Dinner time strengthens new marriage

COLUMBIA — “Attractive and useful, just like my husband,” Helen Porter says with a smile as she places silverware and plates on a sleek white tray. Jeff Porter laughs quietly. The newlywed couple shares more than mutual affection. They share a meal, and in that meal, they strengthen their relationship.

The Porters' meal provides "togetherness time," something key to a marriage in its early stages, said David Schramm, MU Extension specialist and assistant professor of human development and family studies. A recent study conducted by Schramm revealed balancing jobs with spending time together is the number one challenge among newlywed couples. His study found that rough patches in the first month of marriage are not the predictive factors of marital satisfaction. Instead, the real predictors are respect, appreciation, commitment, mutual affection and trust.

The Porters make the most of their “togetherness time” by doing a multitude of things together. Often, instead of buying home decor she likes in a magazine or at the store, Helen works with Jeff to design and recreate it.

“Helen says she wants something, and I build it,” Jeff says. Three shadow boxes, inspired by similar ones Helen had seen, hang on the wall of their kitchen to preserve memories, each containing coasters, corks or postcards.

While Helen, 34, is a junior high language arts teacher in the Columbia Public Schools, Jeff, 36, commutes to St. Louis, where he works as vice president of operations for InstaClinic. He downloads history podcasts to listen to on his drive.  Because of the commute, Jeff and Helen can spend only about four evening meals together per week. However, they make the most of their time through atmosphere. They dine on the deck they built.

As the timer on the oven buzzes, Helen dons her red oven mitts. Out come the golden crescent rolls with their distinct aroma. She finishes loading the "attractive and useful" tray and carries it outside where Jeff is grilling.

Over dinner, they talk about their work days. They've been married just four months, and they still have childhood stories left to share. They talk about politics and what Jeff heard on that day’s podcast.

Helen: “We argue about academic things.”
Jeff: “We don’t argue, we debate.”
Helen: “Jeff was a debate coach, so I don’t have those mad debating skills.”

As they talk of future vacations or deciding on a new dishwasher, there is only one thing missing – the television. Instead, the mellow-rock instrumentation of Feist plays softly from the outdoor speakers Jeff installed, adding to the sound of crickets chirping, leaves rustling and cars passing.  There is no TV to crowd out the togetherness time. Their focus is on one another.

“We didn’t live together before we married,” Helen says. “He moved into my house, and now it’s our house.” Jeff and Helen dated for seven years before marrying.

“When he moved in, he said, 'Here are my clothes. Do something with them,’” Helen says. “He doesn’t care, but I do. I don’t care if my tires get rotated, but Jeff does, so he does it.”