Following Saturday's game between MU and Kansas, Interim Police Chief Tom Dresner sent this spoof news release to the chief of police in Lawrence, Kan. (click the icon to read the release in its original state):
November 29, 2008
Chief of Police
Lawrence, Kansas Police Department
111 East. 11th St.
Lawrence, Kansas 66004
Dear Chief Olin,
I must inform you that the city of Columbia, Missouri is seeking warrants for First Degree Robbery against the Kansas University Jayhawks Football Team for the flagrant and despicable offense committed against the citizens of Columbia, Missouri and the Missouri Tigers in broad daylight on November 29, 2008.
Not since the horrendous “Fifth Down” robbery committed against us by the Colorado Buffalos on October 6, 1990 have the citizens of our fair city been so traumatically victimized.
So, I can only stand in defense of our helpless citizenry and order KU Football’s immediate incarceration.
Our Major Crimes Unit is at this moment preparing warrant applications for First Degree Robbery and will be hand carrying them to our county prosecuting attorney.
Your gang of desperadoes led by Todd Reesing and Kerry Meier will be behind bars soon enough.
I have also directed the commander of our SWAT Team to prepare for future Jayhawk infestation by issuing them over and under shotguns, and mandatory supplemental training at our local sporting clays range. We’ll take starling infestation over a Jayhawk plague any day of the week.
I can assure you that the good people of Columbia, Missouri are resilient and somehow we will get through this. Seeing justice done is the first step in the healing process.
Seriously, chief, congratulations on a great victory in a nail biter today. It’s games like these that remind us why we love our age old rivalry so much!
Capt. Tom Dresner
Interim Chief of Police
P.S. best of luck to the Jayhawks in basketball this year. NOT!