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COMMENT: 10 things that make Texas a bad homecoming opponent

Friday, October 23, 2009 | 12:01 a.m. CDT; updated 6:45 p.m. CDT, Sunday, October 25, 2009
Playing against a football team with a quarterback named Colt McCoy is like playing poker against someone with the same first name as a city. If you're at any sort of felt-covered table and a guy sits down and introduces himself as "Memphis," you walk away.

Ah, homecoming.

A chance for droves of alumni to make the glorious trip back to their collegiate stomping grounds only to realize that they can't get away with doing that stuff in public anymore. A weekend involving enough wasted tissue paper to make Al Gore cry. And of course, a chance to lay waste to a lowly cupcake that hasn't been to a bowl game since the Carter administration.

Or not.

Missouri athletic director Mike Alden tried to explain it away during a Q&A last month. The homecoming game has to be during October, he said. And after ESPN came to the university and offered to make Nebraska/Missouri the Thursday night game of the week only one October home game remained.

Yep.

That one.

So Saturday, amid all the pomp, circumstance and window paintings you can handle, a burnt-orange wave will ride through Columbia in the form of college football's second winningest program. Sound like a bad idea? We think so too. So here ya go. The 10 things that make Texas a bad homecoming opponent.

10. Bevo the Longhorn steer. Bevo won't be making the trip to Columbia, but it's not that we'd be worried that the 1,200-pound steer would create any sort of safety hazard anyway. C'mon. It hasn't even impaled anyone since the '20s. It's more what the people at UT did to the first Bevo. Back in 1920 the university decided that it didn't have the resources to care for the steer, so it was fattened up and barbecued for the main course for the school's football banquet. This leaves us with two questions: What kind of people would eat their own mascot? And more importantly what sorts of unspeakable things do they have planned for poor Truman?

9. UT fans travel well. Like, really well. What do you get when you take a school with 50,000 students a year and put it in a state that craves football like Kanye West craves attention? A mob of orange-clad football hooligans. People were complaining about the amount of red in Columbia after losing to Nebraska? You ain't seen nothin' yet.

8. Six Longhorns have been among the top five NFL draft picks since 1999. That's more than any other school. And if you think that the Longhorns are just turning out quality on the field, think again. Who wouldn't want their kids to want to grow up to be like Ricky Williams and Cedric Benson?

7. UT has an Albino Squirrel Preservation Society. We understand that this has nothing to do with the Longhorns coming to Columbia. But that doesn't mean it's not amazing. And you can only say that UT is really good at football in so many ways.

6. Texas has four players in the NFL Hall of Fame. Well, currently, at least. Whenever Titans quarterback Vince Young decides that it's time to give the rest of the league a chance and hang it up, it'll only be a short five-year wait until the Longhorns get their fifth. What says "surefire" like a career 67.8 passer rating and the inability to start for a team that's started the season 0-6?

5. Colt McCoy. It's not enough that the guy has won 38 games as a collegiate starter. Or that he completed an NCAA record 77 percent of his passes last season. It's that he's the starting quarterback for the University of Texas and his name is COLT MCCOY. Playing football against a quarterback named Colt McCoy is like playing cards against a guy who has the same first name as a city. If you're at any sort of felt-covered table and a guy sits down and introduces himself as "Memphis," you walk away. Do not question this.

4. The safety of the Columbia buffalo population. Did you know that it's illegal to shoot buffalo from the second floor of a building in Texas? Just think what those people are going to do when they get to Missouri. This place is like the Amsterdam of buffalo-shooting regulations. Anything goes. It's gonna be crazy.

3. Texas has won a combined 104 Big 12 championships. Missouri? Six. For those of you scoring at home that means that if Missouri won the conference championship in all 19 Big 12 sports for five straight years, they'd still be down by three. You might want to recheck that math, though. Those were big numbers for us.

2. Texas has been ranked in the USA Today Coaches Poll Top 25 for 169 straight weeks. That means the last time the Longhorns were unranked the President was debating the definition of "is", "Shakespeare in Love" was screwing "Saving Private Ryan" out of the Best Picture Oscar and Will Smith still thought he was a rapper.

1. Missouri is one of the 531 (approximate number) schools that claims to have invented homecoming. It seems that every college tour in America comes with this little tidbit: "In (insert any year before proper documentation could be available) the first homecoming celebration was celebrated on this campus!" But we've heard that the people around MU get real sensitive when you try to claim otherwise. We're gonna be honest folks. This little "inviting the No. 3 team in the country for homecoming" stunt isn't helping your case.


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Comments

Andy Carpenter October 23, 2009 | 3:15 p.m.

Will Smith IS a rapper.

(Report Comment)
Brett Knight October 23, 2009 | 5:39 p.m.

Wild, wild west -- Jim West, desperado, rough rider. No, you don't want nada.

(Report Comment)
Mary Poletti October 24, 2009 | 1:16 p.m.

Re: #3: 19 x 5 = 95. If we won every Big 12 championship in every sport for five years, Texas would still have us beat by nine. Thanks, though; I'd be interested in how you calculated that number, as it doubtless made Missouri fans everywhere feel a little better. :) Another awesome column, Robert!

(Report Comment)
Julia Haslanger October 24, 2009 | 3:02 p.m.

Mary,
Missouri has won 6 championships, so add 6 more to that 95. That would bring us to 101, and then three more would tie it up. So:
19 x 5 = 95 + 6 = 101 + 3 = 104.

(Report Comment)
Don Scott October 25, 2009 | 11:51 a.m.

Can you Say 41-7 Ouch

(Report Comment)
Sarah Owens October 26, 2009 | 9:03 a.m.

169 straight weeks? That's 3 years and 13 weeks.

169 weeks ago was when "Little Miss Sunshine" was released and Kenneth Lay died of a heart attack. It was also almost one year prior to the release of the first iPhone.

"Shakespeare in Love" was up for Oscar nominations in March 1999, which was 10 years and 7 months ago (aka 127 months).

Where did this 169 straight weeks stat come from?

(Please do note that I love the references to 1999, though!)

(Report Comment)
Sara Bell October 26, 2009 | 9:19 a.m.

Did anyone see the article about Mizzou Soccer?
1 Big 12 Championship down, 103 to go!
Good job ladies!

(Report Comment)
Robert Mays October 26, 2009 | 11:01 a.m.

Sarah- It's 169 weeks of the football season, which makes it just over 10 years since they were ranked. Sorry that wasn't more clear.

Robert Mays

(Report Comment)
Sarah Owens October 27, 2009 | 2:21 a.m.

Thanks for the clarification, Robert!

(Report Comment)
nancy brown April 11, 2011 | 1:02 a.m.

10 things that make Texas a bad homecoming opponent. But you may be get a chance again till than you wait.
___________
Nancy.

(Report Comment)

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