Oh no. It is happening; voices from the beyond. I can hear them clearly. No, only one voice and it, no he, has chosen me. I can't stop it.
"And now, a few moments with Andy Rooney via Rosman."
There are more than a few things I don't understand. Maybe it is because I am old. Maybe my last-century morals and interests are completely out of whack with the 21st century. Maybe I just don't understand what is important.
I really don't understand my readers. I get a lot of emails and comments but not about the issues I think are important, such as school funding, religion in the classroom, discrimination being legislated under the Gray Dome in Jefferson City.
People don't even get upset when I say that I am an atheist.
I get the angry letters because I support non-smoking ordinances. I get emails denouncing my opinion or from those I term "my favorite antagonists," who find what they believe is a "flaw" in my argument have nothing to say about the discussion at hand.
I get angry responses from people who do not bother to read the entire article but limit themselves to the first couple of paragraphs or just the headline.
Have they really forgotten how to teach critical thinking, reading and listening in our schools? Or do people actively disregard these lessons? Are they lazy?
Not you, of course. You live only to read my weekly tirades.
I am confused about those who realize that I am an atheist and have decided I am in league with the devil and will be going to hell. I certainly hope so. Isn't that where the loose women are and booze is stashed? Or, for my female atheist friends, the loose men?
I also don't understand why being nice is so surprising to people. Like the family of my brand new acquaintance Payton, age 4 or so.
Payton was scavenging for lettuce when he ran into me — actually, my fork — while making my way through a salad bar. It hurt, and after a lapse of three seconds, he started to cry.
I walked Payton back to his parents and explained what happened. They were amazed that someone would be so nice to their child without asking for anything in return. Why?
By the way, Payton will live and cherish yet more salad, and I will keep my fork above 4-year-old level.
Then there are all the schools that closed because of a skiff of snow on Monday. Get over it! It’s winter; it gets cold and snows.
And what is it about snow that makes people all goo-goo from December to January and causes such pain in February, March, October and November?
To paraphrase Samuel Clemens, everyone complains about the weather, but no one can do a thing about it. Deal with it. Kids belong in school. I walked 10 miles in blizzards … barefoot!
My wife Kathy has the right attitude. "It's snowing like crazy out there. It's very cool." Not as in "cold" but as in, "Winter has finally arrived." Of course, she does not drive and has Mondays off.
(Andy — Get out of my head already. I am tired of whining.)
Another thing: Why do people whine about everything but have no solutions to actually fix the problems? Is it because they are too busy trying to find someone to blame instead of taking responsibility? Blame is so much easier than fixing the problems. People are lazy.
Those who represent us under the Gray Dome in Jefferson City and the White Dome in D.C. are really good whiners, mostly taking on non-issue issues such as the new insider trading law.
Are the members of Congress unaware that law already exists? It's 17 C.F.R. § 240.10b5-1 "Trading 'on the basis of' material nonpublic information in insider trading cases." There are no exceptions for government employees or members of Congress. Ask Martha Stewart how it works.
Wait a minute … my head is starting to spin and the CBS eye is staring at me. It has one of Andy’s bushy eyebrows hanging over it. The gods of commentary are asking for Rooney’s return, like I had a choice in the first place. He chose me, remember?
Wow. What a trip. I only have one thing more to say …