At the Columbia Humane Society, in the checkout line at Target and on the MU campus

Saturday, March 10, 2007 | 12:00 a.m. CST; updated 1:50 a.m. CDT, Thursday, July 3, 2008

at the Columbia Humane Society:

A young boy, about 10 years old and seemingly shy and innocent, stands with his nose up to a cage filled with three kittens.

Mother: Have you decided which one you want to take home?

Boy: I like that one in the back.

Mom reaches into the unlocked cage and lifts up the kitten.

Mom: You picked a little boy; he’s very cute. So you know, honey, we can’t take him home today, though.

Boy: Why? I want to show him to my friends.

Mom: He has to be neutered, so he doesn’t have any babies.

Boy: Does he know that? I bet he’s upset.

Mom: Oh, he won’t be in pain. Don’t worry.

Boy: I know he won’t feel it. I just meant that a man has to keep his options open.

— Joanna Schneider

in the checkout line at Target:

Clerk: Wow! I didn’t know we sold miniature boxing gloves!

Customer: Did I buy miniature boxing gloves?

Clerk: Yeah! You’ve got two of ‘em right here! Holds up two packaged golf club head covers.

Customer: Umm … actually those are head covers. You know, for golf clubs.

Clerk: Oh, well, you know, we have so much stuff for sale here that I just can’t keep it all straight!

Customer: Well if you think this place has a lot of stuff, you should check out that new Wal-Mart!

Clerk: (Sincerely) I don’t know, Ma’am. They’d probably fire me for doing something like that.

— Kat Glass

on the MU campus:

Girl 1: Shoot, rent is due. I really hope my mom sends a check.

Girl 2: Yeah, me, too. I hope my dad puts some money in my account. I have a ton of bills to pay.

Girl 1: I wonder if you can divorce your parents.

Girl 2: What?

Girl 1: Yeah, I wonder if you can divorce your parents.

Girl 2: Why would you want to do that? They support you.

Girl 1: Because then, instead of waiting at their mercy for gifts, I could just be like, “Mom, where’s my alimony?”

— Kristy Totten

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