Religious divide

Mary Ann Shaw used to chat openly with friends about her son Curtis — the upcoming Jazz Band concerts at Rock Bridge High, his role as Lt. Cable in the MU production of "South Pacific," his career as a struggling actor in New York.

But in 1989, when she learned Curtis was gay, Shaw found it hard to talk about his life with others. She felt secretive, and for nearly 10 years, she confided in only her immediate family, one close friend and her pastor.

Shaw feared her child-rearing would be criticized and that others would look down on her son. Most of all, Shaw, who was raised in the Wesleyan Methodist tradition, began to question her faith.

Then, in 2000, Dick Blount, a retired United Methodist Church minister, started a Sunday School class on the Bible and homosexuality. The six-week class preached love and acceptance. Blount taught that homosexuality is not a choice but a part of God’s creative will and that Christians need to show compassion rather than prejudice. What he wanted congregants to learn was that there is a place for gays and lesbians in the church.

Blount’s words gave Shaw the courage to speak out. During one class, Shaw stood up, tears streaming down her face, and for the first time spoke publicly about her own fears and prejudices.

“She told it with great meaning and beauty,” Blount recalls. “It moved the class so much that I knew after Mary Ann told her story that the church and class would never be the same again.”

For Barbara Robinson, who was sitting in the room that day, Shaw’s example seemed like the answer to her prayers. She had been angry at God when she found out her son, David, was gay. She, too, felt ashamed to share it.

“At the time, it was rather frightening to let go of my hiding and come out in the open,” Robinson says. “But it was so freeing to do that.”

That fall, Blount, Shaw, Robinson and Joanne DeVilbiss, who was also struggling with her son’s homosexuality, started Open Door Ministry, a support group for members of the gay and lesbian community.

The friendship between Shaw, Robinson and DeVilbiss flourished. The three women are now affectionately referred to in the gay community as the “Methodist Moms.” At first, they told their stories in church circles. But as word of their advocacy spread, the Methodist Moms went public. They have appeared on KOMU/Channel 8’s “Pepper and Friends” and KOPN/89.5 FM’s “Religion Matters.” More recently, they have begun to speak directly to the gay community.

In June, the Methodist Moms were invited to the second meeting of the newly formed Jefferson City chapter of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays , or PFLAG. Surrounded by nearly 40 people, including gays and lesbians, their supporters and family members, the women talked for nearly an hour about how they reconciled their faith with their sons’ homosexuality.

Shaw, a retired Rock Bridge High School English teacher, quoted Scripture and Bible scholars such as Walter Wink, an Auburn Theological Seminary professor who argues that the writers of the Bible did not understand the psychology behind sexual orientation and therefore misinterpreted its role in God’s creation. The Bible only condemns homosexual acts among heterosexuals, Wink says; homosexuality is a God-given orientation and should not be condemned by Christians.

Looking around Jefferson City’s Shikles Recreation Center, DeVilbiss tilted her head attentively at the crowd sitting in brown folding chairs. Her green eyes, outlined in jet-black liner , turned serious when she spoke about her son, Ed.

“I was worried about my son being rejected,” she said. “I was selfishly concerned about what my friends would think.”

Robinson said she blamed herself at first. She had watched her son, David, grow up in the church, graduate from college and marry. He was divorced four years later. Even after David moved back home to finish his thesis, Robinson said they never talked about why the marriage fell apart. Then Robinson and her husband, Roy, returned home from a weekend away to learn that another man had spent the night at their home.

In Jefferson City, Robinson talked about how her anger and hurt over the incident was transformed over time.

“When I started out with this, I prayed a lot,” Robinson told the PFLAG group. “I prayed, ‘God forgive David for what he has done.’ Then, ‘God forgive me for judging David,’ and then, ‘God, help David to find a suitable partner.’”

Similar conversions have taken place in denominations across the country. In July, the United Church of Christ, which became, in 1972, the first Christian denomination to ordain an openly gay clergy member, voted to approve a resolution endorsing same-sex marriage.

A little more than a year ago, the Missouri Diocese of the Episcopal Church voted to confirm a gay man, the Rev. V. Gene Robinson, as bishop of New Hampshire.

Meanwhile, the Methodists Moms’ church, United Methodist, hasn’t been as progressive. The 9-million-member denomination is the second largest Protestant church in the United States and is often considered to be one of the most mainstream of American Christian churches.

Earlier this year, the denomination’s General Conference rejected a proposal that would have urged more inclusion of gays and lesbians in church affairs.

The setback disappointed the Methodist Moms. But Shaw believes that it is only a matter of time before her church will revise its position on gays and lesbians.

“I think it’s like any kind of social change,” she says. “Think how long it took for the church to think slavery was wrong, to accept women clergy and mixed marriages.

“It just makes me hope that the day will come when people will be able to see that homosexual people are not a threat to the church.”

Deep convictions

At the heart of the matter for Christians, of course, is salvation. Whether a “man who lies with another man” can legitimately claim allegiance with other Christians and inherit the Kingdom of God has been a point of contention throughout Christian history.

But the issue also causes a spiritual crisis among friends and family of gays and lesbians. How do they reconcile a loved one’s sexual orientation with their church’s institutional stance, not to mention their own faith?

As other churches have begun to make the break from a set of teachings that were once uniformly accepted by Christians, the emotional terrain now seems as hazy as a Civil War battlefield.

While Christians are thumbing through the gold-leafed pages of worn Bibles trying to figure out which stance to endorse , politicians and social activists are calling this debate the new abortion. In a recent interview with the New York Times Magazine, Gary Bauer, president of American Values and a former U.S. presidential hopeful, said the issue of gay marriage has energized Christian conservatives with the same fervor as the rights of the unborn.

Other religious leaders denounced the Texas Supreme Court in 2003 for striking down a Texas law that made consenting homosexual sex illegal. When, in November of that year, the Massachusetts Supreme Court granted gay couples the right to marry, they helped put gay marriage on the level of homeland security by the time of the November 2004 presidential election.

Meanwhile, gay-rights activists and progressive politicians have pointed to events such as the recent decision by the California legislature to become the first governing body in the country to legalize same-sex marriages as evidence times have changed.

While not that different in substance, the debate in Columbia has taken on a more civil tone than the national theatrics. Last December, PFLAG and the Mid-Missouri Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Coalition formed a faith-based outreach committee to promote dialogue and discussion with the religious community. In the coming year, the committee, which meets at the Columbia Public Library on the first Saturday of each month, plans to expand its efforts to reach civic and church groups around the state, said Linda Hayes, committee co-chair.

“I think most people that show up to the meeting are frustrated with the Christian right dominating the dialogue in general,” Hayes said.

Indeed, decidedly liberal churches, such as the Unity Center, Unitarian Universalist Church and the Metropolitan Community Church, are marketing themselves as "open" congregations that view homosexuality as a God-given orientation. In fact, the Metropolitan Community Church, with 70,000 members worldwide, including congregations in Kansas City, St. Louis and Joplin, was founded to integrate spirituality and human sexuality.

"Everybody is welcome, and everyone is a child of God," said Kristin Powell, minister at the Unity Center in Columbia. "There is no difference in how we treat someone who is heterosexual versus someone who is homosexual."

But while such tolerance is perfectly in keeping with Christ's teachings for some congregations, conservative Christians see homosexuality as an assault on Scripture, family values and morality.

Focus on the Family, the organization most closely aligned with evangelical Christians, believes men and women are inherently heterosexual and that homosexuality conflicts with the biblical model of sexual relationships.

"There is a biblical ethic regarding sexuality and, throughout Scripture, God clearly defines his design for sexuality — uniting one man and one woman for a lifetime in marriage," said Melissa Fryrear, Focus on the Family's gender issues analyst. "We're not singling out homosexuality. The Bible opposes any kind of sexual activity outside of the marriage bond between a man and a woman."

Although there are only five passages in the Bible that address homosexuality — Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13, Romans 1:26-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 and Genesis 19 — there are dozens of interpretations of how Scripture applies to modern society.

"Everyone is trying to remain faithful to Scripture," says Trish Beckman, an MU Religious Studies professor who specializes in Christian history. "I think they're really genuine in that."

Fundamentalist and evangelical denominations view Scripture as inerrant, historically accurate and inspired by God. Scripture is the ultimate authority on any subject matter, including homosexuality. The Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians, for example, that the sexually immoral — specifically adulterers, male prostitutes and homosexuals — will not inherit the kingdom of God. The Holiness Code in Leviticus says that it is an abomination for a man to lie with another man.

This view holds that sexual sin can only be overcome through belief in Christ, and that acceptance of homosexuality undermines Christ's role as the Redeemer.

The Rev. Herschel Martindale of Valley View Community Church in Columbia says his congregation would "view a person who is a homosexual as a valuable person in God's eyes." But, adds Martindale, who has counseled church members struggling with sexual identity, "their practice of homosexuality is not what God desires."

Alan Chambers, president of Exodus International, a non-profit, interdenominational Christian group that believes homosexuality can be "overcome," says "Christ's example" forms the foundation of his belief.

"Jesus was 100 percent truth and 100 percent grace," he says. "There is the balance churches should strive for. The church can hold true to our Biblical convictions but also reach out with compassion and grace toward people who don't agree with us."

This kind of "hate the sin, love the sinner" message regarding homosexuality is difficult for many conservative Christians and evangelicals. They have trouble welcoming people into their churches who fail to see their behavior as sinful.

"Something that I found with homosexuality and the way Christians deal with it is opposing reactions," says Joshua Friel, a former MU student who is involved with Campus Crusade for Christ. "One that is very hateful, like the 'God Hates Fags' group, and the other extreme denies that homosexuality is a sin and that God accepts it."

The latter would describe congregations such as the Unity Center of Columbia, which believes all people are created and affirmed by God, regardless of their sexual orientation. Unity's philosophy is to examine the Bible as "the human story of spiritual discovery." Many of the beliefs, customs and practices portrayed in the Bible as sinful may not be relevant to modern life.

"We are living in a different time, and we need to look at the Bible in its historical, cultural and metaphysical context," Powell said.

Mainline denominations, such as the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, the Methodists and Presbyterians, have taken a middle-of-the-road approach to homosexuality, allowing the conservative and liberal extreme to battle it out.

That passivity may no longer be possible.

On Aug. 11, at the Lutherans' biennial meeting in Orlando, church delegates barely rejected a resolution, by a 503-490 vote, calling for the ordination of same-sex clergy. Despite a lack of consensus, the delegates overwhelmingly favored maintaining unity within the church and passed a separate resolution to "concentrate on finding ways to live together faithfully in the midst of disagreements, recognizing the God-given mission and communion we share as members of the body of Christ."

Four years ago, after learning that 13 people in his congregation either were homosexual or had a family member who was, the Rev. John Baker of First Baptist began to address the topic from the pulpit as part of a worship series on inclusivity.

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God," Baker told the church, quoting Romans 15:7.

"I wanted to present another opinion about homosexuality in the world," Baker says. "From what I read and hear, it is a given, not a chosen. It is my understanding that a person is homosexual by nature. That must be accepted."

Baker says several people left the church, unable to reconcile themselves to his position. Baker regrets that and thinks they missed an opportunity to "know and love some great people (who are) just like the majority of us in most respects: trying to get by day to day at work and at home, wrestling with relationships, seeking meaning in life."

The Rev. Maureen Dickmann of Rock Bridge Christian Church also lost some members when, nine years ago, she decided to come out to her congregation. Since then, however, the church has grown, with nearly 15 percent of the congregation identifying themselves as gay or lesbian.

"The whole notion of a homosexual agenda is crazy," she says. "I just want to be myself and want to be accepted, and who I am doesn't hurt people."

As for the United Methodist Church — the Methodist Moms' denomination — change is slower to come.

In early May, the denomination's General Conference struck down a proposed change to the Book of Discipline, a set of documents that regulates church activities. The current Book says homosexuality is incompatible with Christian teaching and that "self-avowed practicing homosexuals" — those who openly acknowledge their sexual orientation — cannot be ordained as ministers. The proposed change would have recognized that Christians disagree on the "compatibility" of homosexuality and Christian teaching.

Shaw said she was disappointed by the decision. But, she has no plans to leave the church she has attended for most of her life.

"There are many things I like about the Methodist Church," she said. "There is an openness about ideas, a willingness to explore and learn, and that's important to me. If we left the church there wouldn't be any force in the church helping to understand this issue and change."

Rejecting homosexuality

But for some people, being gay is not an option.

Growing up, Joshua Friel knew he was gay. By the time he was a teenager, he had accepted it to the point where he told his family and friends.

Then at age 16, he accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior. Although he still struggles with homosexual feelings, Friel said that belief in Christ is helping him to overcome temptation.

That perhaps, explain why Friel has little patience for denominations that affirm homosexuality.

"Something that all people do is try to justify their sin," Friel said. "It's kind of sad when you take the message of the Gospel — victory over sin — and preach that homosexuality is OK. You're preaching slavery by telling people to stay where they are."

Friel does not associate himself with the ex-gay movement, which offers counseling and "rehabilitative" services that he believes miss the point. Homosexuality is a sin, not a disorder, he says, and can be overcome through salvation in Christ, prayer and support from other believers.

"I have to daily submit to Christ and realize what his will is in my life," he says. "I guess it's the same thing with anyone trying to put a sin behind them. There is always that temptation that is there."

Friel is not alone in the belief that Christ can cleanse the "sin" of homosexuality. Focus on the Family started a "gender division" seven years ago in response to the increasing number of calls from Christians struggling with homosexuality, from churches grappling with the issue and from friends and family of gays and lesbians who wanted guidance.

Focus on the Family distributes pamphlets, teaching materials and provides counseling referrals. Its biggest outreach is the Love Won Out Conference, which provides a platform for a new kind of advocacy.

The Love Won Out Conference promotes the message that homosexuality is "preventable and treatable," a message Focus on the Family sees as routinely silenced by the mainstream. Speakers such as Nancy Heche, the mother of actress Anne Heche, and Joseph Nicolosi, the president of the National Association of Research and Therapy of Homosexuality, preach the message of redemption through the power of Jesus Christ.

Melissa Fryrear says she took the job with the gender division to help others overcome homosexuality. She had lived an openly lesbian lifestyle for 10 years before becoming a Christian, and after accepting her newfound faith, began to research scientific studies and the Bible.

Now, she travels across the country on behalf of Focus on the Family telling her story and promoting one of the organization's mantras: balancing truth and grace.

"I think oftentimes conservative Christians, evangelical Christians and former homosexuals are misunderstood," she said. "I believe so strongly in what I do — wanting to help families that are affected by this issue. I also want to be a voice of encouragement for men and women who are coming out of homosexuality."

Alan Chambers, says Exodus International, which was founded in 1976, gets over 400,000 inquiries and calls each year. The organization, whose motto is "Freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ," has nearly 125 affiliates nationally, including Pure Heart Ministries in St. Louis.

Pure Heart offers personal counseling and educational seminars for churches, schools and other organizations. Living

Waters, an intense 9-month program designed for those who are "sexually broken," has steadily increased in enrollment. Donna Thornhill, a licensed professional counselor who works with the program, says Living Waters has a 90 percent success rate — success being measured by a person's ability to live a normal heterosexual lifestyle.

Social reformers

While Christian denominations across the country continue to struggle with how they should ultimately view homosexuals as children of God, Mary Ann Shaw and the Methodist Moms now see themselves as social reformers.

Shaw believes that the failure to accept gays and lesbians and the belief that they can be "rehabilitated" amounts to the same thing — the failure to recognize a core Christian truth: God loves everyone equally.

Curtis Shaw said he has missed being involved with the United Methodist Church. He was president of the youth group, sang in the church choir and, at one point, had even considered a career in the ministry.

But he knew that might never be possible. Even at a young age, he knew he was gay.

"I remember looking up at the stained glass windows at the Missouri United Methodist Church and asking God why he made me this way," he says. "As I became an adult, I realized there was a kind of mixed message of non-acceptance, and by the time I got to college, I started to withdraw from the church."

He has never gone back. While living in Nashville, he attended an Episcopal church and, for the first time, found a pastor and congregation that accepted him. Now, living in California, Shaw has rejected organized religion, although he considers himself a spiritual person. He's been in a committed relationship for 16 years now, and he and his partner have adopted 3-year-old twin boys. His goal in life is to become the best person he can and, as a stay-at-home parent, help raise healthy children.

Curtis Shaw admires his mother's efforts to change the institutional intolerance of the United Methodist Church. He is, however, skeptical of the church's motto — "Open Hearts. Open Minds. Open Doors." — since the United Methodists do not allow gays and lesbians to serve as clergy.

"It's like open hearts, open minds and open doors for anyone who is not gay," he said.

Curtis didn't push too hard during the decade of his mother's silence. He had endured a difficult personal journey before coming out as a gay man, and he understood Mary Ann Shaw would need to go through her own process before she could accept it. That she has made tolerance her greater mission is a point of pride for her son.

"I'm so proud of my mom," he says. "She's so mild-mannered, unassuming, kind and very committed to equality. It's people like her who are going to change the world."

[Note: The original online version of this story contained errors that were not in the print edition. The online version has been updated to more accurately reflect the print version of the story.]