If President Donald Trump wants Joe Biden to take a drug test as a part of the presidential debates, I would suggest that former Vice President Biden require Trump to take a lie detector test.

The necessity and elucidation of both tests could prove informative to voters for the Oct. 15 and Oct. 22 debates.

For the vein-smacking debate Olympian Joe Biden, I would suggest Trump pursue the following urine assays: 1) caffeine — a well-known stimulant that has no political discretion and is abused without remorse among the Beltway junkies — especially for those with “Sleepy” as a moniker; 2) alcohol — often misused in small doses by those with known engagements with the president, but in larger doses, according to military anecdotal evidence, it purports to allow the user to perceive the humorous side of their executive employment separation; and 3) disinfectant — bleach, Pine-Sol and Ty-D-Bol, a.k.a. “The Big Three” — though falling out of fashion as internal cleansers, “The Big Three” are now being mixed into potent concoctions that give the consumer uncanny lucidity and sharp repartee skills, at least temporarily. Unfortunately, there is the bothersome side effect of intestinal disintegration.

For the verbally careening, guardrails-you’re-in-my-way Donald Trump, I would suggest Biden pursue the following inquiries: 1) Is it true that you would rather spend three minutes alone with a Big Mac than with Melania? 2) If you and Chuck Schumer were in grade school together, would you have given him a wedgy in front of the entire sixth grade? and 3) If I die of windmill cancer, can I count on you to tell the world, “I told you so”?

It is my hope that my suggestions help provide relevant information about the test takers and move our nation’s political dialogue forward.

Joe Carberry is a resident of Columbia.


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